As I sat there in complete numbing disbelief after getting the results of my PET scan, I just sat there. With tears falling down my face, I just felt dumbfounded. I didn't even know what to think. I was in such shock I felt no one would understand. Ok maybe the Soviets kinda felt this type of shock after getting beaten by the USA hockey team in 1980. Or the "shock" the Iraqi's felt after George bush's shock and awe campaign. Either way, getting the news of my cancers return destroyed the very lining of my soul. Every day I would cry myself to sleep. I had to tell work that my cancer returned again meaning more treatment, meaning more time off again. I couldn't afford to be off of work. Working was the only thing that kept me sane, that kept me laughing,(you would too when it was nothing but a female royal rumble every day) Sorry guys! :) but most importantly, I worked to provide for my family. I know people offer help when someone is in a rut. But what was i suppose to do? I'm not going to ask people for help or straight up give me some cash. People go crazy for money. Especially white people. You know you guys do just admit it! Haha! But in all seriousness, I had a lot of people offer to help me out, and my answer was always the same. I know it's the stubbornness in me, but I take extreme pride for what I've accomplished in life and handling this situation on my own with Lidia is something I'm pretty proud of. Plus borrowing money just makes things awkward in the future. "Hey man, you owe me 400 bucks from the time I helped you out." "Oh yeah, I'll get it for you, next time I see you, and the next time you see and ask I'll keep saying the same thing until you forget or take me to people's court. But in the meantime, let's hangout!" Yeah, not happening to me.
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| Merry Xmas Daniela! |
I was back where it all began, the Loyola Cardinal Bernidine Cancer Center. I was in the clinic waiting for Dr. Smith to show up to tell me the full entire news with Lidia. I remember bursting out in tears to lidia, begging her that I could no longer do chemotherapy. You do chemo just once and it just changes the complete balance of your body. Smith shows up and tells us that the tumor is only localized to my throat. Hearing that I could give 2 shits, I wanted to know what the treatment plan was. He told me I needed an autologous stem cell transplant. I was like what the fuck is that? Doc I know Im a nurse but I'm a patient right now, tell me what's gonna happen? I asked him if chemo was a part of the transplant. He told me, "oh yeah, you'll be receiving several rounds, plus one round of high dose conditioning chemo right before that transplant." I tried to hold it together and asked him if there was an alternative to chemo. He said, "Its either the stem cell transplant or you let this kill you." I knew there was no way out of it. My biggest fear to feel myself slowly die from chemo was going to become a reality again. I asked my doc what are the chances that this fixes everything. Back then I never learned to catch onto doctor talk, when a question is asked about survival, doctors are highly trained to dodge the question and answer in a way which sounds like they answered their question. I can't remember what Smith said to me, but I was sure damn satisfied by it if I was going to refuse chemo and 10 minutes later pumped about the treatment. The treatment this time was 3 cycles of R-ICE. Rituxan, ifosfamide, cytoxan, and etoposide. I only recognized 2 of the drugs but I said to myself, "Fuck it, let's do it." Slight problem though, each cycle required one day in the outpatient cancer center followed by 3 days admitted to Loyola's oncology floor. Reason I had to be admitted was one drug was to be given continuously over 24 hours. I also was required to have another central line put in me. This time it was a Hickman line placed on the right side of my chest through minor surgery. Obviously, I hate central lines, and it was such a pain in the ass. I crazily decided to try to keep working through the first phase of chemo, have one week chemo, and work the next week. I began the first cycle of R-ICE the last week of October. The following week I was able to enjoy Daniela's very first Halloween! I was even able To go trick or treating with Lidia and Daniela! The side effects weren't as bad as R-CHOP, but chemo is still chemo and I could tell my body feeling different. Hair started falling out again. This time it was everywhere, and when I say everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE, which I was somewhat ok with. Haha! The 2nd and 3rd cycles went by. At this time, I looked like a hairless Filipino chihuahua. I had to learn how to shower without getting my Hickman line wet so basically I wasn't able to wash the entire right side of my body which sucked major ass. I had one month of rest in December before I would begin the auto stem cell transplant. Since i knew i had one month free of everything, I demanded to Smith my oncologist to have my central line removed. He told me in January they'd have to reinsert a new central line. As long as i was line free, i was haaaapppy. Having a central line restricts so much movement. I feel like i cant do anything, drive, do housework, even pick up Daniela as once you have a central line put in, you have a specific weight limit you can carry. I was able to enjoy the holidays with my family, Thanksgiving at the Matias' and Xmas at my sister's, Ate Mare's. Lidia and I were very excited as it was Daniela's first Xmas and New Years. Looking back not even 7 months ago brings so much joy and anguish to myself. Just seeing my daughter dressed in her red Xmas outfit getting all her presents from everyone brings a big smile to my face, at the same time, I had no clue what I was getting myself into with the transplant, or what the outcome would be. But as December rolled by, i was still able to enjoy my time with my loved ones. You can say the month of December was a mini September to me, not as good, but it'll do.
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| 2 bags of stem cells collected |
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| Happy 1st bday Daniela! |
In one of my previous blogs, I give a simple explanation to why I needed an auto stem cell transplant. Autologous stem cells were stem cells that were taken from me. After the R-ICE chemo was over and December came and passed, once January came along, that's when I re entered hell. A line was placed back into the right side of my chest. And I needed to get neupogen shots every day for one week prior to the stem cell harvest date. Neupogen shots help increase red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets in your body by stimulating bone marrow production. And when you stimulate bone marrow, a couple days later, when your bone marrow is hard at work making new cells, it hurts like a beotch! I guess this is what lance Armstrong put himself through to cheat in the tour De France. So every time the nurse would inject the neupogen in my arm, she'd ask me what I'd do for the rest of the day. I would always tell them get on my bike and ride for several hours so I can be the next tour De France winner. I think one of the girls was a real cyclist as she gave me a sour look. The following week, I was hooked up to an aphresis machine which took blood from you peripherally put the blood through the aphresis machine and there was a centrifuge at the bottom of the machine that separated the bloods components. My stem cells were collected. The main job of stem cells is to develop into any bodily cell type there is. By how? I have no idea, I haven't read that far yet. But stem cells can replicate to become more stem cells or become muscle cells, bone cells, skin cells, even go into your bone marrow to make red blood cells, white cells, and platelets. So that's the mini-crash course on stem cells. Once 4 million stem cells were collected, I was done with the aphresis step and had to wait for the conditioning chemo which was to start the following Monday. Which was absolutely awesome because Daniela's 1st bday was that Thursday Jan, 12. 2012. Lidia and I were able to enjoy her bday, bringing her to Woodfield to get her pictures professionally done. After that, we opened some of her presents then had cake! Watching her tear into the cake was such a joy to watch! Even I got to tear into some of it!
Once the following Monday, January 16 came along, it was time for the hardcore conditioning chemo. The whole point of conditioning chemo was to give higher doses of chemo to destroy your immune system and bone marow so the stem cells could graft easier and work immediately and not have your old immune system interfere. It was going to be every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, with Monday being a prep day. This time I was to have the chemo and transplant done outpatient at the cancer center at the High Dose Unit. When I started Tuesday, the first drug was Busulfan, which just gave me the biggest pounding headache, it got so bad, I seriously thought my head was going to explode. My mom was with me the entire time and against my wishes, she facebooked everything, and wrote something preposterous saying, ohh dzay-are has his hands on his porhead. He's ok I tinks. Prays por him. (People, don't have a facebook after 60, it just gets embarrassing. For you and for who you're writing about. Unless you're still cool, which I'll still be.) I obviously wasn't ok. After a rest day Wednesday, Thursday, was highdose Etoposide, which I've had before so I thought to myself that this would be a cinch. Boy was I absolutely wrong. Since it's an alcohol base drug, I got smashed to the point where I stopped functioning, I was vomiting everywhere, I spiked a pretty bad fever, and my blood pressure dropped to 60/40. I couldn't get up because with my low BP, I'll just fall right back down. Unfortunately even with fluids pushing through my IV, I still had to go to the hospital. After a another rest Friday, Saturday I was able to finish out my last high dose drug in the hospital, and depending on how everything went, I would go home the following day. This drug was Cytoxan, another drug Ive had before and had no problem with. But of all the high dose drugs I've ever encountered, this was absolutely the worst one. Not because it made me ill, vomit, give me a headache, none of that. What the thing was that made this the worst drug ever was that in high doses, Cytoxan destroys the lining of your bladder and urethra. So.....to prevent that from happening, I had to have a foley catheter inserted up the goods. For those that don't know what a foley cath is, it's a silicone or latex tube inserted into your urethra to allow you to urinate. doesn't matter how small the tube is...nothing is suppose to go in, only out. I remember the pain so clearly, even though I was highly drugged with ativan and benedryl. the feeling of the tube going in was so incredibly, insanely, intensely, and horribly pain shattering. I remember moaning to the pain, and actually crying because it hurt so much, and remember folks, this tube was already lubricated. once it was in, a balloon was inflated to keep the tube in my bladder, and the sensation was just horrible. I really don't know how to put it in words how horrible that experience was but it's something I will refuse to go through again, unless I'm dying and I can't pee.
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| Before the transplant, during and after. |
Now the easy part, the transplant! Everyone was always afraid of the transplant, what would happen after the transplant? Would it work? I could have cared less what happened with the transplant as long as that chemo was done. I was left weakened, destroyed, and really tired. The next Monday, January 23, I had my Auto transplant. It only took less than an hour. It was just like a blood transfusion. They took my vitals very frequently, and kept monitoring my breathing to see if I was ok. Like I said earlier, it was easy as hell. The following days due to the high dose chemo, my lab results plummeted. So I needed constant blood transfusions and platelet transfusions. I even had a nose bleed for over 10 hours! About a week and a half later, my lab results were starting to improve, but I'd still feel yucky and not 100%. I was highly irritable at the time and I just wanted it to be all over. Finally, after the first week of February, I was discharged from the outpatient unit. But I was to continue my isolation period for 2 more weeks meaning, I still had to eat processed foods, nothing fresh, all meat needed to be well done (yuck) no yogurt, no salad, and foods needed to be eaten after 24 hours. It was a lot of cooking for Lidia and I, as our cooking skills improved drastically. The month of February flew by, after the isolation period, I was able to go out again, drive around and enjoy seeing people. Again, the thought of me being ok was back. But I was no where near the strength I used to be. It really took a couple more weeks to regain my strength. 100 days after the transplant, I was to have another PET scan, but I tried not to think about that.
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| Stacy King!! |
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| Vegas Strip! |
I tried to live my life as normally as possible with a few changes! I was eating a lot better and exercising every day! Who knew my life would finally change for the better? I also went to a couple Bulls games with Munn and up to Milwaukee with Frank. Things were starting to look real well for me! To make things much much more better, Smith my oncologist cleared me for travel in The middle of March! Since Lidia and I never had a honeymoon, this was the perfect opportunity. We decided to go to Vegas and to San Francisco to say whatup to my boy Vince. Being in Vegas was so much fun, my cousins Xia, and Con live out there with my Auntie Rita so we got to see them everyday we were out there. It was a buffet galore! Ever since the transplant, my appetite dropped tremendously so I tried hard to eat as much as I can. We stayed at the cosmopolitan and let me tell you, that place is the shiznit! Fucking awesome, and our suite was a wrap around suite meaning our room and balcony covered a very very large portion of the floor. It was an absolute blast and I really want to go back there again. But with me capable of drinking and eating a lot. Because not being drunk in Vegas is no good at all. I mean it's fun but I'm sure if I was trashed I would have done some crazy stuff. It was great seeing all my old buddies from the Philippines in San Francisco. We stayed at Vince's place and again it was a food fest at the Bay. Huge ass steaks in San Jose, awesome bing but I don't think it was really bing, Korean food with Kit Kat, In and Out, coffee at some place where the chick wears nothing but a bikini, and out to the mutha f-in club with Tracy, her husband, Kitkat, and Anna and her cousins. I also found out Ronald, Anna fiancee was gonna propose to her when she was gonna go to the Philippines a month later, and it was so hard to keep that secret from her so instead of keeping my mouth quiet, we asked her stupid non-subtle questions that made it obvious Ron was gonna propose...(Sorry buddy, but great job on the beach!) Seeing family and friends made me feel like everything was behind me and I was ready to return to work the following week. Finally! Again, my life was coming back to normalcy. It was about 2 months of me missing work with about 3 weeks back in october-novemeber missed. I was sick and tired of missing all those days of work and not getting paid. I wanted to actually have vacation hours and actually take a vacation with my family. Sometimes people would ask me when I'm on leave for work, "Hey man, how's the vacation from work?" When people ask me that, I want to punch them in the face. This isn't a vacation, this is the fight of my life, and for 2nd time, I felt like everything was ok. I prayed everyday for God to heal me. I attended mass when I was feeling ok, and I was confident I was in the hands of the Lord and I was going to be ok.
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| Anna before getting engaged! |
Kolean BBQ!
That was until the the Monday we returned from San Fran, I felt a lot of pressure grow on the left side of my neck.
