The Lord of the Cancer: The Return of the Lymphoma

As I sat there in complete numbing disbelief after getting the results of my PET scan, I just sat there. With tears falling down my face, I just felt dumbfounded. I didn't even know what to think. I was in such shock I felt no one would understand. Ok maybe the Soviets kinda felt this type of shock after getting beaten by the USA hockey team in 1980. Or the "shock" the Iraqi's felt after George bush's shock and awe campaign. Either way, getting the news of my cancers return destroyed the very lining of my soul. Every day I would cry myself to sleep. I had to tell work that my cancer returned again meaning more treatment, meaning more time off again. I couldn't afford to be off of work. Working was the only thing that kept me sane, that kept me laughing,(you would too when it was nothing but a female royal rumble every day) Sorry guys! :) but most importantly, I worked to provide for my family. I know people offer help when someone is in a rut. But what was i suppose to do? I'm not going to ask people for help or straight up give me some cash. People go crazy for money. Especially white people. You know you guys do just admit it! Haha! But in all seriousness, I had a lot of people offer to help me out, and my answer was always the same. I know it's the stubbornness in me, but I take extreme pride for what I've accomplished in life and handling this situation on my own with Lidia is something I'm pretty proud of. Plus borrowing money just makes things awkward in the future. "Hey man, you owe me 400 bucks from the time I helped you out." "Oh yeah, I'll get it for you, next time I see you, and the next time you see and ask I'll keep saying the same thing until you forget or take me to people's court. But in the meantime, let's hangout!" Yeah, not happening to me.

Merry Xmas Daniela!

I was back where it all began, the Loyola Cardinal Bernidine Cancer Center. I was in the clinic waiting for Dr. Smith to show up to tell me the full entire news with Lidia. I remember bursting out in tears to lidia, begging her that I could no longer do chemotherapy. You do chemo just once and it just changes the complete balance of your body. Smith shows up and tells us that the tumor is only localized to my throat. Hearing that I could give 2 shits, I wanted to know what the treatment plan was. He told me I needed an autologous stem cell transplant. I was like what the fuck is that? Doc I know Im a nurse but I'm a patient right now, tell me what's gonna happen? I asked him if chemo was a part of the transplant. He told me, "oh yeah, you'll be receiving several rounds, plus one round of high dose conditioning chemo right before that transplant." I tried to hold it together and asked him if there was an alternative to chemo. He said, "Its either the stem cell transplant or you let this kill you." I knew there was no way out of it. My biggest fear to feel myself slowly die from chemo was going to become a reality again.  I asked my doc what are the chances that this fixes everything.  Back then I never learned to catch onto doctor talk, when a question is asked about survival, doctors are highly trained to dodge the question and answer in a way which sounds like they answered their question.  I can't remember what Smith said to me, but I was sure damn satisfied by it if I was going to refuse chemo and 10 minutes later pumped about the treatment. The treatment this time was 3 cycles of R-ICE. Rituxan, ifosfamide, cytoxan, and etoposide. I only recognized 2 of the drugs but I said to myself, "Fuck it, let's do it." Slight problem though, each cycle required one day in the outpatient cancer center followed by 3 days admitted to Loyola's oncology floor. Reason I had to be admitted was one drug was to be given continuously over 24 hours. I also was required to have another central line put in me. This time it was a Hickman line placed on the right side of my chest through minor surgery. Obviously, I hate central lines, and it was such a pain in the ass. I crazily decided to try to keep working through the first phase of chemo, have one week chemo, and work the next week. I began the first cycle of R-ICE the last week of October. The following week I was able to enjoy Daniela's very first Halloween! I was even able To go trick or treating with Lidia and Daniela! The side effects weren't as bad as R-CHOP, but chemo is still chemo and I could tell my body feeling different. Hair started falling out again. This time it was everywhere, and when I say everywhere I mean EVERYWHERE, which I was somewhat ok with. Haha! The 2nd and 3rd cycles went by. At this time, I looked like a hairless Filipino chihuahua. I had to learn how to shower without getting my Hickman line wet so basically I wasn't able to wash the entire right side of my body which sucked major ass. I had one month of rest in December before I would begin the auto stem cell transplant. Since i knew i had one month free of everything, I demanded to Smith my oncologist to have my central line removed. He told me in January they'd have to reinsert a new central line. As long as i was line free, i was haaaapppy. Having a central line restricts so much movement. I feel like i cant do anything, drive, do housework, even pick up Daniela as once you have a central line put in, you have a specific weight limit you can carry. I was able to enjoy the holidays with my family, Thanksgiving at the Matias' and Xmas at my sister's, Ate Mare's. Lidia and I were very excited as it was Daniela's first Xmas and New Years. Looking back not even 7 months ago brings so much joy and anguish to myself. Just seeing my daughter dressed in her red Xmas outfit getting all her presents from everyone brings a big smile to my face, at the same time, I had no clue what I was getting myself into with the transplant, or what the outcome would be. But as December rolled by, i was still able to enjoy my time with my loved ones. You can say the month of December was a mini September to me, not as good, but it'll do.

2 bags of stem cells collected

Happy 1st bday Daniela!

In one of my previous blogs, I give a simple explanation to why I needed an auto stem cell transplant. Autologous stem cells were stem cells that were taken from me. After the R-ICE chemo was over and December came and passed, once January came along, that's when I re entered hell. A line was placed back into the right side of my chest. And I needed to get neupogen shots every day for one week prior to the stem cell harvest date. Neupogen shots help increase red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets in your body by stimulating bone marrow production. And when you stimulate bone marrow, a couple days later, when your bone marrow is hard at work making new cells, it hurts like a beotch! I guess this is what lance Armstrong put himself through to cheat in the tour De France. So every time the nurse would inject the neupogen in my arm, she'd ask me what I'd do for the rest of the day. I would always tell them get on my bike and ride for several hours so I can be the next tour De France winner. I think one of the girls was a real cyclist as she gave me a sour look.  The following week, I was hooked up to an aphresis machine which took blood from you peripherally put the blood through the aphresis machine and there was a centrifuge at the bottom of the machine that separated the bloods components.  My stem cells were collected.  The main job of stem cells is to develop into any bodily cell type there is.  By how?  I have no idea, I haven't read that far yet.  But stem cells can replicate to become more stem cells or become muscle cells, bone cells, skin cells, even go into your bone marrow to make red blood cells, white cells, and platelets.  So that's the mini-crash course on stem cells.  Once 4 million stem cells were collected, I was done with the aphresis step and had to wait for the conditioning chemo which was to start the following Monday.  Which was absolutely awesome because Daniela's 1st bday was that Thursday Jan, 12. 2012.  Lidia and I were able to enjoy her bday, bringing her to Woodfield to get her pictures professionally done.  After that, we opened some of her presents then had cake!  Watching her tear into the cake was such a joy to watch!  Even I got to tear into some of it!

Once the following Monday, January 16 came along, it was time for the hardcore conditioning chemo.  The whole point of conditioning chemo was to give higher doses of chemo to destroy your immune system and bone marow so the stem cells could graft easier and work immediately and not have your old immune system interfere.  It was going to be every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, with Monday being a prep day.  This time I was to have the chemo and transplant done outpatient at the cancer center at the High Dose Unit.  When I started Tuesday, the first drug was Busulfan, which just gave me the biggest pounding headache, it got so bad, I seriously thought my head was going to explode.  My mom was with me the entire time and against my wishes, she facebooked everything, and wrote something preposterous saying, ohh dzay-are has his hands on his porhead. He's ok I tinks. Prays por him. (People, don't have a facebook after 60, it just gets embarrassing.  For you and for who you're writing about.  Unless you're still cool, which I'll still be.)  I obviously wasn't ok.  After a rest day Wednesday, Thursday, was highdose Etoposide, which I've had before so I thought to myself that this would be a cinch.  Boy was I absolutely wrong.  Since it's an alcohol base drug, I got smashed to the point where I stopped functioning, I was vomiting everywhere, I spiked a pretty bad fever, and my blood pressure dropped to 60/40.  I couldn't get up because with my low BP, I'll just fall right back down.  Unfortunately even with fluids pushing through my IV, I still had to go to the hospital.  After a another rest Friday, Saturday I was able to finish out my last high dose drug in the hospital, and depending on how everything went, I would go home the following day.  This drug was Cytoxan, another drug Ive had before and had no problem with.  But of all the high dose drugs I've ever encountered, this was absolutely the worst one.  Not because it made me ill, vomit, give me a headache, none of that.  What the thing was that made this the worst drug ever was that in high doses, Cytoxan destroys the lining of your bladder and urethra.  So.....to prevent that from happening, I had to have a foley catheter inserted up the goods.  For those that don't know what a foley cath is, it's a silicone or latex tube inserted into your urethra to allow you to urinate.  doesn't matter how small the tube is...nothing is suppose to go in, only out.  I remember the pain so clearly, even though I was highly drugged with ativan and benedryl.  the feeling of the tube going in was so incredibly, insanely, intensely, and horribly pain shattering.  I remember moaning to the pain, and  actually crying because it hurt so much, and remember folks, this tube was already lubricated.  once it was in, a balloon was inflated to keep the tube in my bladder, and the sensation was just horrible.  I really don't know how to put it in words how horrible that experience was but it's something I will refuse to go through again, unless I'm dying and I can't pee.

Before the transplant, during and after.

Now the easy part, the transplant!  Everyone was always afraid of the transplant, what would happen after the transplant?  Would it work?  I could have cared less what happened with the transplant as long as that chemo was done.  I was left weakened, destroyed, and really tired.  The next Monday, January 23, I had my Auto transplant.  It only took less than an hour.  It was just like a blood transfusion.  They took my vitals very frequently, and kept monitoring my breathing to see if I was ok.  Like I said earlier, it was easy as hell.  The following days due to the high dose chemo, my lab results plummeted.  So I needed constant blood transfusions and platelet transfusions.  I even had a nose bleed for over 10 hours!  About a week and a half later, my lab results were starting to improve, but I'd still feel yucky and not 100%.  I was highly irritable at the time and I just wanted it to be all over.  Finally, after the first week of February, I was discharged from the outpatient unit.  But I was to continue my isolation period for 2 more weeks meaning, I still had to eat processed foods, nothing fresh, all meat needed to be well done (yuck)  no yogurt, no salad, and foods needed to be eaten after 24 hours.  It was a lot of cooking for Lidia and I, as our cooking skills improved drastically.  The month of February flew by, after the isolation period, I was able to go out again, drive around and enjoy seeing people.  Again, the thought of me being ok was back.  But I was no where near the strength I used to be.  It really took a couple more weeks to regain my strength.  100 days after the transplant, I was to have another PET scan, but I tried not to think about that.

Stacy King!!

Vegas Strip!

I tried to live my life as normally as possible with a few changes!  I was eating a lot better and exercising every day!  Who knew my life would finally change for the better?  I also went to a couple Bulls games with Munn and up to Milwaukee with Frank.  Things were starting to look real well for me!  To make things much much more better, Smith my oncologist cleared me for travel in The middle of March!  Since Lidia and I never had a honeymoon, this was the perfect opportunity.  We decided to go to Vegas and to San Francisco to say whatup to my boy Vince.  Being in Vegas was so much fun, my cousins Xia, and Con live out there with my Auntie Rita so we got to see them everyday we were out there.  It was a buffet galore!  Ever since the transplant, my appetite dropped tremendously so I tried hard to eat as much as I can.  We stayed at the cosmopolitan and let me tell you, that place is the shiznit!  Fucking awesome,  and our suite was a wrap around suite meaning our room and balcony covered a very very large portion of the floor.  It was an absolute blast and I really want to go back there again.  But with me capable of drinking and eating a lot.  Because not being drunk in Vegas is no good at all.  I mean it's fun but I'm sure if I was trashed I would have done some crazy stuff.  It was great seeing all my old buddies from the Philippines in San Francisco.  We stayed at Vince's place and again it was a food fest at the Bay.  Huge ass steaks in San Jose, awesome bing but I don't think it was really bing, Korean food with Kit Kat, In and Out, coffee at some place where the chick wears nothing but a bikini, and out to the mutha f-in club with Tracy, her husband, Kitkat, and Anna and her cousins.  I also found out Ronald, Anna fiancee was gonna propose to her when she was gonna go to the Philippines a month later, and it was so hard to keep that secret from her so instead of keeping my mouth quiet, we asked her stupid non-subtle questions that made it obvious Ron was gonna propose...(Sorry buddy, but great job on the beach!)  Seeing family and friends made me feel like everything was behind me and I was ready to return to work the following week.  Finally!  Again, my life was coming back to normalcy.  It was about 2 months of me missing work with about 3 weeks back in october-novemeber missed.  I was sick and tired of missing all those days of work and not getting paid.  I wanted to actually have vacation hours and actually take a vacation with my family.  Sometimes people would ask me when I'm on leave for work, "Hey man, how's the vacation from work?"  When people ask me that, I want to punch them in the face.  This isn't a vacation, this is the fight of my life, and for 2nd time, I felt like everything was ok.  I prayed everyday for God to heal me.  I attended mass when I was feeling ok, and I was confident I was in the hands of the Lord and I was going to be ok.

Anna before getting engaged!

                                                                    Kolean BBQ!

That was until the the Monday we returned  from San Fran, I felt a lot of pressure grow on the left side of my neck. 

Don't wake me up when September ends part 3

This is what I saw come down the aisle...beautiful

I looked down the aisle and I saw my bride to be and all this flood of emotion came pouring through my mind. I felt my eyes start to well up because all I could think about is how far we've gotten together as a couple because of this Goddamned disease, all the fear, all the pain, all the sadness and uncertainty all gone just by seeing how beautiful Lidia looked coming down the aisle. For those that know what the dress looked like, it was a simple dress but had a certain edginess to it. I'm a huge fan of blade and the matrix and seeing that dress was my idea of bridal badassness. If Lidia had a gun and sword and started killing everyone in the middle of the church, I think it would have been awesome. Well except that half my family and friends would be dead. Lol! I took Lidia away from my father in law, and no threat was issued like what I expect to do for Daniela's wedding. I looked into Lidia's eyes and I told her how beautiful she is. I don't know if she said anything back at me because all I could think about was how freaking sweaty I was. I had such a nice shine to my head and I was so hot, I'm sure you could have fried an egg on my head. The unity candle was our only hiccup throughout the entire ceramony. The unity candle represents exactly what the name implies, me and Lidia's unity to each other. Problem was, we couldn't get the dang thing to light up! I laughed to myself and I said to Lidia, "If this is any indication for anything in the future, we're gonna be in trouble!" Communion came by and it gave Lidia and I some extra moments together. Since I pledged without Lidia's permission that my wedding was going to be the first live wedding on Facebook through pictures and status updates, I needed a quick pic as our first unofficial "husband and wife" pictorial. I whipped out my phone and snapped a quick pic of Lidia and I with a handful of our family and friends getting communion in the background. Once that was over, the priest said the final blessing and introduced us to everyone as husband and wife. I grabbed her hand tightly looked her deeply into the eyes, and the very first thing I said to my wife as her husband was, "I love you."

Hope Jesus forgives me for taking pictures during church!

I don't know why I do this

Coming out of the church was complete pandemonium, with everyone taking pictures of us on the church steps. I see my boy Z taking a pic and give him my patent "I'm pointing at you picture." Followed by yelling at a random car in the street that I just got married! With them replying, "Crazy ass guy!" I went back to Lidia and I held her hand and looked up to see how nice the sky looked. It wasn't too hot, it wasn't too cold, it was actually pretty perfect. That was the one word to describe everything so far. Unfortunately, I knew today was going to end, but the thing I didn't know was how fast it was going to end.

09/24/2011

We all get into the limo and I was kinda bummed that the limo I ordered, the one where the doors opened up like a jet wasn't there. But that's alright, because once the limo's there, a limo is a limo. We all got in and headed back to the Westin to finish up the pictures. I thought to myself, "Was I gonna drink? Please don't let me go crazy like my bachelor party." Someone threw me a beer and I just shook my shoulders and hoped I wouldn't get belligerent. Pictures were taken at the terrace of the hall. Of course we had the traditional McDonald's run of cheeseburgers. It also gave me an opportunity to give my groomsmen their 2nd gift. The first one was given at the rehearsal dinner with each one getting their own gift card to their favorite store or restaurant. But this gift was even more personalized. They were Bulls jerseys with their names on the back and the numbers represented the date of the wedding. Pretty bad ass huh?

mmm cheeseburgers!

awesome lights!

Once the pictures were done, the craziness began. People started pouring in for the cocktail power hour. And let me tell you, the outside portion of the hall was completely packed! Out of nowhere people just started coming and I was like, "Is there another wedding?!" I gave a couple people a great idea, my cocktail hour was huge and immense, imagine how easy it is for someone to wedding crash. I would definitely do it! Once I become completely healthy, if that ever happens, one of the first things I'm gonna do is crash a wedding since I'll be missing a couple the next year due to current circumstance. It was so damn crowded that while walking with Lidia, I accidentally stepped on her dress and when I did I heard the loudest tear come from the dress. I laughed so hard as I saw the most pissed off look come from her face. Don't worry, it didn't rip that bad, it just sounded horribly bad. I was able to pour in a couple good hard drinks before cocktail hour began, and during the hour I intelligently took my daughter away from my inlaws and walked around with her having another vodka tonic while yelling out father of the year! No one got hurt during the process, but my asshole meter sure went a little higher. The reception started taking its place, and everything was beautifully done, the venue looked awesome, the cake was incredible, the toasts, videos, the lights by Windsor, even the prayer by McGovern was a complete joy to see. Everyone started clanking on their glasses, but since I was still updating my Facebook status on how incredibly awesome that lobster bisque was, they just had to wait! That shit was the bomb wasn't it?! You know something is really good if it delays a kiss at a wedding!

The night was progressing pretty well and our guests were taking full advantage of the extra activities at the wedding. The weird thing was, everyone was spread out everywhere so at times, the dance floor looked a lil dull. But when you have 350 people rotating from the dance floor, to the photo booth, to the chocolate fountain, then to the taco/burger station, don't forget the 4+ bars, and them "smokers" it's easy to understand why everyone was so dispersed. The thing that upset me the most was that I didn't take time to get some tacos or mini burgers. By the time I realized I wanted some it was all gone! As a consolation, I chowed on the strawberries and pineapples that we're sitting out for a couple hours. :(

The night winded down and we were all tired and sweaty. Usually we'd all go out and get more drinks or get some food but Lidia and I were honestly pooped. We go in our wedding room suite and out of exhaustion, I start taking off my shoes. But I completely forgot to carry Lidia in the room! So I tell her we had to go back out and come back in with me fireman carrying her back in and almost dropping her. Even times in my life where I'm supposed to be serious, comedic action still defines my life! I was excited to live the rest of my life in comedy with my beautiful wife and daughter as the biggest day of our lives came to a sweet close.

The source of my strength...

I'll admit I was expecting at least one person to get really crapped up at the wedding, and some people to hook up as that was the one thing lidia and i were constantly looking out for. But the fact that everyone had a great time was enough for me and Lidia. To this day we are still so very thankful to all that came! And as I currently fight my battle seeing everyone all come together at one time really touched my heart, and I love you all!

Well guys, the summer was now officially over, one of the best summers ive ever had was coming to a close. Spending time with my family was the only thing I could have ever asked for. The thought of being cancer free was spreading and our anxieties were going away. We slowly were adapting to normal life, going out to eat, enjoying each others company. September became October, the weather started getting a little chilly, and it was my favorite time of the year! Bears season!! Thanks to my boy, J.Munn I got to see 2 bears games, against the panthers and Vikings. I thought to myself finally, my life is back! 2 weeks have passed in October and my follow up PET scan was to take place. This was the first PET I was not nervous for because I honestly believed I was done, and I was cancer free. If this was all a dream, I wish no one woke me up when September ended. The next day getting the results of me relapsing, I don't think I've ever cried harder in my life. I began to realize, cancer was starting to wear me out and the thought of death finally became real. I called Lidia in a frenzied craze, and for her fear that I might do something, she had to rush home. Happiness was completely replaced with depression and despair....it was now October 16, 2011 and my mother fucking cancer has overtaken my body again.

Don't wake me up when September ends part 2

Love in the club...

A week and a half passed after my bachelor party and I just recovered. I was off from work for a couple days because it was finally WEDDING WEEK!! The time for Lidia and I to get married was at last here! All the plans were set, everything was all paid off, everyone was ready, now we just needed to have the practice and boom the big day was upon us! It was such a hectic week with so many family and friends flying in just to share the moment with Lidia and I. After the rehearsal dinner, the whole wedding party decided to go to Sound-bar to celebrate. Not a big crowd for a Thursday night, but it was a lot of fun.  You can say once the percolator went on we showed the out of towners how people from the Chi get down.  I may have busted a move or 2, but I was probably just moving my arms like a T-rex.  Chinatown was our next stop after the fun but unfortunately, half the party had to leave unexpectedly. But the party still continued because a huge Chinese Mortal Kombat brawl broke out in the restaurant with 2 simultaneous fights going on. Hands down the highlight of the entire night when one of the guys tried to stab the other guy with chopsticks. No one was injured during the brawl, and the guy that got stabbed with chopsticks was alright. Lol!

This guy missed the action.

Friday comes along and Lidia leaves the apartment early in the morning to go to the Westin in Lombard, as with tradition, this was the last time for me to see Lidia until she walks down the aisle.  Instead of hugging and kissing her goodbye, I was dead asleep.  One of the best guys I know in my life Vince, spent the night over after flying in from SF the day before.  I planned on taking him, my cousins, Xia and Kon, and my famous Sugagirls CJ and Roxanne out for the day power touring the great city of Chicago.  Problem was, when I woke up I checked out my phone and realized it was almost 11AM.  "SHIT!!  I've wasted half the day!"  I yelled out.  I immediately woke Vince up, got ready, and took off to pick everyone else up.  It was a successful power touring day, checking out the usual hot spots, Portillo's, The Jordan statue, Sears tower, Millennium Park,  Smoque for dinner, and a quick trip to Rivers Casino to spend a couple bucks and for some drinks.  I dropped everyone off at the Westin where most of the bridal party was already settling in.  I wanted to take a quick peek where Lidia was to prank her but it was getting really late and I was tired from driving so much.  Vince offered to keep the party going in his room with some windows open :) but I had to decline because tomorrow was going to be a big big day, and I was getting nervous.

Wedding?

Or Canada?

Celeste told me she was going to pick me up at around 12,  and not to be late because the ceremony was at 1:30PMish..and St. Lukes was just a few blocks away from where Lidia and I lived in Oak Park.  I woke up Saturday morning, stretched and again i swore to myself.  I realized it was 10AM and I had 2 hours of singledom.  So, to celebrate my last hours of being a bachelor, I sat down on the couch, turned on the TV and xbox, and played me some Dragon Ball Z until 11:30.  I texted Lidia to see if she was ready for our big day and where the extra money was so we can give out as tips for the limo guy, servers, and Windsor our DJ.  Upon finding the money, a wild idea crossed my mind.  I had no idea this much cash was being held without my knowledge.  Walking past the closet I looked at my tux and realized I needed to get ready, I also looked at the giant wad of cash and thought to myself, "I just have to cross  the state of Michigan and I'll be in Toronto in no time!"  I decided to get ready because a lot of people wouldn't find me taking a quick trip to Canada very amusing.  While getting ready, I got a call from Celeste saying she's at the parking garage.  I frantically look at my phone and realize it's 12:15PM.  I go downstairs to the 4th floor parking lot half dressed and in walks an Asian couple.  They look at me and go, "Big occasion?"  I say, "Yeah, I'm getting married in like an hour!"  The girl congratulated me as the guy blurts out, "Ohhh shit dude, good luck!"  I laughed as I met up with Celeste, who was with Vince and Mike.  They asked me one specific question, "Celeste has a full tank of gas, where do you want to go?  We can go anywhere you want."  It was hilarious they were also thinking about me ditching the wedding.  I said, "Nahh, I decided I wanted to get married today about 35 minutes ago."  I finally got ready, and we reached St. Luke's almost at the same time Lidia arrived.  I see more cousins that flew in late the night before.  I said my hellos and  then it started feeling all surreal.  Everyone was all looking at me, coming up to me smiling, hugging me.  I go inside the church and there's even more family.  I meet the photographer and i start looking for my daughter.  I see my in-laws and I see Daniela.  I immediately go to hold her and while some nice pictures were being taken of us I hugged and kissed my daughter and whispered in her ear, "Today's gonna be a fun day honey."

Mommy and daddy are getting married!

The priest who was marrying Lidia and I told me to get ready and prepare because it was going to start soon.  I start walking toward the altar and took my place.  It was starting to hit me hard, seeing everyone walk into the church all dressed nicely.  I had to take a moment to be by myself.  I didn't know but I was sweating so much, my mom came up to me and gave me a handkerchief.  But just only one swipe on my head and I already needed a new one.  The music started and my heart started to race.  The bridal party has already made its way down the aisle.  First to come in were Vince and Erica,  then Mike and Ate Mec, followed by Mo and Jennifer, then Frank and Jackie.  I cant remember if Celeste and Tiffany walked down the aisle together but my mind was going at a million miles an hour.  Celeste took her spot by my side and then I knew what was next.  I was still facing toward the altar when everyone rose up for Lidia to walk down.  I whispered to myself, "This is it man..."  I turned around and stepped out to look at Lidia for the first time dressed in her wedding gown and as I saw her I said 2 words quite loudly, "Holy shit!"

Don't wake me up when September ends part 1

All of us know that Greenday song from way back in the mid 2000s. Boy what would I give to return to those days with the knowledge I have now, I'd be unstoppable! Lol, but no other moment in my life other than Daniela being born ever compares to what happened to me in the whole month of September 2011. I know we're not suppose to live our lives with any regret, but if there was one thing I did regret, it was that I didn't stop at that time to let it all soak in. If September was a dream, I didnt want it to end. I didn't want to be woken up from the best dream ever...FYI, this blog is unsuitable for the kiddies! Bad bad stuff!

Daniela Rose

Ever since I was 18, I've always wanted to get a tattoo. But my parents would have killed me if I ever got one, and I just didn't know what design I wanted permanently inked on my skin. I decided to hold off because at that time the barbed tat seemed like an awesome idea. (yah..) When I lived in the Philippines, again I was close to getting one, but then realized how sanitary getting a tat there was. I still wasn't ready for one, and also wasnt ready to get hepatitis B. My time back in the US was a constant, what should I get? Where should I get it? Finally, I decided to get a Filipino flag down my arm. I was gonna go with my best (wo)man Celeste to get our first tats but once again, the pussy in me came out and I bailed. She has an awesome tat on her shoulder and may have started the parent signature tat revolution. A couple years passed and I completely scrapped the idea of having one until, I became a father. My whole idea of having a tattoo was for it to mean something dear to me, and whenever I would see it I would be so proud that I would ever consider permanently putting it on my skin. What better tat to have then my daughters name? But since I always thought outside the box, I was going to have her name put in ancient Filipino script, baybayin. Since Lidia is Mexican, our babies would become Mexipinos, and if we were to have a 2nd child, his/her name would go on my right arm in ancient Mayan script. But due to unfortunate circumstance, I am no longer able to have anymore children. :( Lidia and a family friend I've known since forever Jennifer came with me as I finally got my first tat down my left arm of my daughter's name. Lidia asked me why didn't I get a tat of her name on me. I laughed and said I didnt want to put her name on me because....well, you might never know. I'm going to have to end up looking for another girl named Lidia. To those that know me from the Philippines, you all know that shouldn't be hard for me right? Lol! To this day, I'm still very happy I got the tat, and I already have my next 2 designs memorized in my head.

So far September was shaping up to be a great month. I was having no treatment, I was enjoying time with loved ones, I finally felt like a father to Daniela. The way I won her over was that I'd put her on my shoulders and pretend to drop her, or pick her up and throw her in the air. For some weird reason, Dani would laugh every time I do this, and unfortunatly, I may have made her into a mini thrill seeker. So far I had no worries about anything, until Celeste told me that my bachelor party was coming up. I thought to myself, "Oh my God, no..." Usually guys wouldn't fear for their bachelor party because most go to strip clubs, get drunk, shoot something, then head home after 4am. That's nothing right? Well not the way my family friends plan. The last bachelor party I was at, Jennifer's husband Mo, got his ass beaten. I know there's a code not to talk about this stuff, but this was funny. So, remembering everything what happened to him, I was afraid it would happen to me. I begged Celeste, "Please no midgets! Anything but them. I don't want to get whipped and beaten like mo. And, ummm, no big girls. Also, no transvestites." I actually feared for what was to happen because knowing Celeste, she'd actually do something hilarious like that, and if it wasn't my bachelor party, I'd think it would be awesome! Lol! So Celeste invited everyone I told her to invite and we all met at the Hooters downtown on Wells. I see my co-workers, friends, family friends, and Lidia's brother and some of her family there already and I thought to myself, "Tonight is gonna be one fucking crazy night! Ohh, it's only 5PM! We have the whole night to ourselves!" I didn't know how I was going to pace myself because I have not had any alcohol due to chemo and radiation. Honestly the last time I got really drunk was the day I confessed to Jennifer at victory liquors that I wanted to marry Lidia back in March 2010, immediately after confessing, I blacked out.

Dave B in the house!

At Hooters, I had a couple beers, then came the shots, then more shots. Next thing I realized, it was 7PM and we had to head over to Tantrik, where Celeste had the upstairs portion of the club reserved for the party. We all got the unlimited drink wristband, but at that moment, probably 7:20PM I was already good because I was smashed as hell. But to be a good sport, I kept drinking with all my friends. A couple of minutes later the thing I was fearing the most arrived, the "entertainment." One look and whew, not a midget! I shot a glance over at Celeste and started laughing. I forgot her name, but she was a small blond lady, and we all took pictures with her, especially the wedding party! But then, the lady whips out a chair and tells me in a very demanding tone to sit down. I say to her, "Holy shit! Let me at least finish my drink!" I run to the bar and finish my (I don't know how many I've finished) vodka tonic. I sit down and look at everyone circling around cheering and yelling while taking out their $1 bills. Some had stacks so big, it looked like they were major drug dealers. I closed my eyes, and the only thing i pictured in my head was ironically and oddly enough, the LOTR: the 2 towers when the orcs attack Helms Deep. I remember right before the attack, King Theoden says to himself as what I exactly said to myself at around 7:40-8PM, "So it begins..."

Amid all the dollar bills flying everywhere, the alcohol spilling all over the place, the laughter, the yells, the whistles, I say to the lady, "Excuse me, time-out. May I have a drink? Would you like one too?" I refill on my vodka tonic and ask the bartender for a jaegerbomb as requested by the lady. The bartender tells me that jaeger bombs are not covered on the bracelets. I turn back at look at everyone in absolute panic hoping someone would pay for the lady's drink. She got her drink and I sit back down on the chair and she tells me, "uh-uh. You need to take off your clothes and lay down." The other thing I feared was going to happen, I was going to get a beatdown like Rodney king. I gingerly took off my clothes like high school freshman do the first time they undress in front of each other in PE class. In anticipation of the night, I intelligently did not wear white underwear. The lady took out some lotion and squirted it all over me and used me as a slip and slide. I told her that I just got a new tattoo the week before and I could only use hypoallergenic moisturizer on it. When she told me it wasn't, that it was just something from Walgreens, I asked her if she would not slip and slide near my left arm. Then she told me to get on my knees and she took the belt off my pants. I have to admit, the lady was very entertaining although she did whip me like a dog. It was as if all of us were at a Jappanese MMA event, and each slap got a loud "oooooohhhhh" from the crowd. Even her bouncer was getting into it, also yelling with each slap to my back or ass. Things were starting to get really hazy because every moment I had, I'd take a sip from my drink or from someone else's, or a random shot would be poured in my mouth. I finally had a moment to recover from the slapping, I put my clothes back on like a defeated man but was still laughing at what was going on. The bouncer cleaned the area up collecting all the money and the lady decided to start some advertising. If she collected an "X" amount of money, she would do some "tricks." Let me tell you, some of those tricks were very impressive. All I can say is she's a very good bowler. There were a lot more tricks including lollipops and for a good moment I felt like Tim "the toolman" Taylor. The lady was finished and stayed for a lil bit having more drinks with everyone. I thought that was a lot of fun but I felt like I needed to slow down, because I couldn't keep up with everyone else.

John B and Dave T enjoyin the entertainment

I had no idea what time it was but I kept drinking. Where ever I would turn, someone would toast with me or get me another drink. I decided to sit down because I wasn't feeling very well and my stomach started to turn. Then all of a sudden someone yells out, "The 2nd lady is here!" I thought to myself, "Oh no! Not again!" I was so drunk at this time I wasn't able to walk straight, my eyes were closed and I think I was so drunk I became one of those guys who danced in a corner by himself. While dancing to myself this tall naked brunette lady comes up to me and goes, "you're the groom right? Clothes off, on the floor now." I don't remember this happening but it's been said that I was arguing with the 2nd lady on why I have to take off my clothes while already stripping down. She gets on my back takes my tie chokes me, and orders me to bark like a dog. I make the hardest attempt to bark but at that moment, all I see is blackness. That was my very last memory of my bachelor party. A lot still happened during the party but I was just a blacked out zombie, it was said another lollipop made an appearance. I was whipped again and begged the 2nd lady to stop. Another rumor was said that I still was partying hard with my clothes off until I walked away and fell asleep on the couch. The 2nd lady didn't bring a bouncer, some heresay say that someone even got to have a "special moment" with her. Names will not be named but a legend was born that night. It was said I was dragged out of the club right when it was opening so the people in line waiting to go in saw me and had no idea what was going on. Also the people who were already walking in were able to see the 2nd lady still performing. Awesome free show!

Lights out

When I came to, I was back in oak park. In my underwear, and on the couch with a plastic bag near my head. I had no idea what was going on. It felt like I was in a dream. I thought to myself, "Where am I? Did I just really have my bachelor party? Thank God I'm not in Canada like what I thought was gonna happen. What happened? Oh my God! There was a 2nd lady!?! Owwwww, why does my ankle hurt so much?(being dragged out the club my ankle was dragging on the ground) What time is it? WHAT?!!? IT'S ONLY 2:30AM?!" I didn't believe how early it was because I could have sworn I lasted until 6AM, and I wanted to go strong for my bachelor party. I decided to look at Facebook for evidence, and unfortunately yes, there is a status update that I was out cold by 10PM and home by 11PM. I didn't even make it to midnight. I was ridiculed by a lot of people and you know who you are! haha! Lidia told me the following morning, she was out at Jennifer's house and when she found out I was going home, she had to go home to take care of me. Looks like the whole bachelor party was from 5-10PM, and my memory only served me well approximately until 845PM-9PM. Haha!

Take notes kids, that is how a rockstar has a bachelor party!

Through the looking glass: Filipinos riot over a halfsie

Lost may be my favorite tv series of all time.  I loved watching each episode and going, "WTF?!  Where are they now?"  One episode comes into my mind which kinda gave me the inspiration to write this new surprise blog.  The season 3 finale "Through the Looking Glass" if any of you remember had a scraggly looking Jack screaming at Kate that they have to go back to the island.  That was the first time in the series that had an episode show a moment in the series' storyline that was at the present time.  Lost?  Gotcha!  That moment started my complete obsession with Lost because I had so many questions and I was getting so confused that Lost was now showing the past, present, and future all in one episode.  Many of you have found out that as of tonight, 5/23/2012, I have a complete perfect match for my allo stem cell transplant.  I'm sure a lot of you have questions on my current treatment, why it's so hard to talk about the emotions I went through during my first couple treatments, or on why I am so comfortable talking and joking about me dying.  Hopefully this blog could shed some light onto that.  As I change it up and blog about what is happening in the present. 

Wait this isn't Phillip Phillps?  Its also not 1999.

Wow, that was a very horrible introduction to the blog.  I wanted to make it sound dramatic like how the beginning of Lost is.  I think it's everyone here at my in-laws watching American Idol and I'm constantly complaining how unimpressed I am with Jessica Sanchez(Who I've been calling Jessica Rodriguez for almost 2 weeks.)  If you gonna be a Mexipino, you gotta look hot, and have the attitude.  Jessica Sanchez looks like a below average filipino and is just eeeehhhh to me, If you wanna see what good looking Filipinos look like, check out my friend list!  But also check out Lidia and her friend list, you add in some of that Mexican with a Filipino and you get holy crap! :)  See how this damn show distracts me?  Congrats to Dave Matthews Jr to winning American Idol 34.

Some people have personally texted me that they are proud of what I'm going through and so happy that the treatments went well.  Honestly guys, I consider those treatments a complete failure if I'm still going through the fight now.  Its been an up and down nonstop 16 month battle with cancer.  Its come to the point that I envy those cancer patients that have had a few years of remission because, they've lived their life and had a break to recover.  I as of this moment, am mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.  Everything I have been blogging about has been nothing but an absolute failure and a very vivid horrible memory.  That's why its so hard to talk about it because I remember every moment of it and I still feel the pain and suffering i had to endure, but it compares nothing to what I am going through now and what i will be enduring in the very near future.  It has been a complete nightmare for Lidia and I since the end of March 2012 and finally today some light has been shown.

Last week, I finished my 2nd cycle of R-EPOCH.  Let me tell you, if I thought R-CHOP was a bitch R-EPOCH is like one of those ghetto girls that just don't quit in the club.  This time around, each chemo cycle was almost one week long IN THE HOSPITAL!  I had four 24 hour continuous chemo bags, and when that was done one 15 minute bag of cytoxan.  Funny how a drug has the word toxic in it and it's suppose to help me.  I was a complete zombie after this junk.  Shoot, I still feel like a zombie now.  I also started radiation today on my neck.  This time around I didn't need any tits :) placed on my neck because a mold was made of my face and I get to wear something similar to a giant old school Jason hockey mask that already has the markings on it there.  Today I had a huge day at Loyola University Medical Center in the 'Wood,  I talked to my psychologist today, yes I have a psychologist because I almost tripped off my balcony in April.  When I say tripped, I mean almost jumped.  Now before any of you text or call me, let me swallow these 10 vicodin first...I'm just kidding about the vicodin part,  but yeah I've hit the threshold of how much emotional bullshit I can withstand and back then I was highly considering it.  Problem is, I really am a pussy when it comes down to it because when I looked down, ehhh let's just say it was really "cold" outside on the 11th floor.  Now that it's out in the open that i seriously considered killing myself,  if I have called you in the month of April, I was really trying to say "goodbye" to you.  Don't worry family and friends, I'm perfectly fine now, not taking any meds which I'm proud of and I wouldn't harm a fly.  So that was that meeting, then I had my meeting with my onco doc Dr. Smith.  Everything looked perfect, except I still have a tiny problem swallowing and my throat still hurts, eventually as reassured as usual by Smith, would go away.  Since I started radiation earlier in the day, Smith recommended that R-EPOCH was to be canceled because I had such good success (or failure) with radiation.  The tumor was now only localized to my throat coiled around my esophagus.  Which means, my PICC line was taken out today!!!!  Oh man, I might have to reserve a future blog just on how many damn central lines I've had and my horrors with them.  So, PICC line out: check, not crazy: check, started radiation: check, and Smith gave me the news I have been waiting for.  I originally had 3 matches and these people could be from anywhere in the world.  They stay anonymous until a year after the transplant.  If they decide to reveal themselves at that time, they could.  But Smith told me they have finally found a donor who accepted.  26 year old male from God knows where, but again perfect match!!  Many of you have read my FB update that I would go above and beyond to find him after a year and repay him with lots of paid intercourse.  Hey, guy to single guy gift, that's perfect don't judge! :)  If he's married, I have alternatives, if he's gay I also have one specific alternative.

Now I really haven't differentiated to the masses what an autologous and allogenic stem cell transplant is.  The stem cell transplant in my opinion is the oncologist saying "Oh shit, nothing else is working lets give them the old transplant."  Both are very dangerous, lengthy, painful, and mentally draining procedures.  But the Auto is safer since its your own stem cells and it's protocol to always go with the safest first then an Allo.  The only time an Allo is used first before is patients with recurring Leukemias.  So, without getting into detail, I've had an Auto stem cell transplant in January of this year.  You have a couple rounds of chemo to shrink of the sucker, then you're stem cells are harvested through an aphresis machine.  Once they have the targeted number of cells, they put them on ice and for a week blast you with the most intense, most horrible, God awful, sweet Jesus chemo to get rid of any of the cancer that is left, and to weaken your immune system.  Your immune system needs to be weakened so when the stem cells are reinfused back into your body, its like jumping a car battery.  So my immune system basically was rebooted.  Now this may sound like sugar and spice and everything nice, but this entire procedure messed me up.  I had to go through a massive workup on tests and labs before the transplant, needed another bone marrow biopsy, needed another stinking line put through my chest wall.  This was after the 3 rounds of chemo I went through every 2 weeks which put me in the hospital for several days.  Then I was given that God awful high dose chemo,  I had a Foley put in me the very last day of chemo...and for the first time in my life, a medical procedure made me cry in pain.  When the stem cells were infused, my blood counts were horribly low, you're monitored daily to see if your white blood cells, hemoglobin, and platelets were dropping and boy did they plummet.  White cells were as low as 0.1 with the normal range around 5.  That meant if I got an illness, I'd possibly croak, My hemoglobin was super low, no hemoglobin means oxygen cant get to your organs, you croak.  Platelets were at like 10, normal range is 150 and above.  No platelets mean you start bleeding you cant stop, you croak.  I had a nose bleed for 10 hours!  Jeesh, last time i pick my nose! haha!  Slowly for a month, you recover.  You're put on isolation for over 2 weeks after the procedure.  I was fully recovered in march of 2012 after over 2 months of complete hell.  This ladies and gentlemen...is the easy stem cell transplant, and it failed me like hiring a crack addict to babysit your children for the night.  My tumor grew back in 2 weeks after I was cleared to travel,  and it grew back fast, that's when I started acting crazy. 

Although I'm very happy to find a perfect match for my allo transplant, let me give off some medical facts, there's a 20-30% mortality rate with the procedure.  Don't know how accurate that is but it scared my feces out of my butt.  Everything I've read with the Allo was risk this danger that.  There's a reason why this stuff isn't given to people over the age of 60.  All my Auto SCT was done out patient except for the week of the High dose chemo which destroyed me and I was in the hospital for a week.  For an Allo SCT, I will be in the hospital for one full month then 100 days of isolation.  Same procedure as the last, I begged my onco doc and the transplant nurse that no bone marrow biopsies were to be performed and no chemo was to be given that required a Foley.  I seriously begged, and I almost cried, a guarantee was not given.  I flat out refused to have another transplant.  I even went to houston to THE #1 cancer center in america check me out.  During April, I thought I was going to die.  I've learned to accept my fate.  And every single moment I'd think about my family, I'd lose it emotionally, even to this day.  I cry, because I realize I don't have enough pictures of Daniela and I together.  If I pass, she's not going to know who her father is.  I didn't do enough to be a prominent figure in her life.  She's going to be calling some greased up Puerto Rican Papi.  Then Lidia's gonna start dressing like jennifer lopez. Ooo, I'd be so pissed if that happened.  Who was going to take care of Lidia and Daniela?  Who was going to support them.  My family and friends, when people say don't give up, keep fighting, last year I'd go psssshhh while making a lewd back and forward motion with my hand and wrist.  I thought this was all easy stuff.  I was young, my body could take it.  But recently, I lost hope, I did not want to live, I was ok with dying.  But thinking about how much I would miss out if I would die at 28 or 29, I couldn't afford to do it.  I was telling a coworker of mine, there really is a will to live that you can actually turn on and off.  If you give up, your body will shut down.  I turned my will back on...just think Rocky 4 when Rocky is training to fight Ivan Drago, that motivation to go out and kick someones ass was the same for my will to live.  I believe in it now...I need to steel my body, mind, and soul with everything I've got because I literally have 4-8 weeks before the dance.  Now all of you know that I'm in preparation for the absolute fight for my mother fucking life.  But don't worry, I got this...plus I still need to write about what happened last year and go into more detail about this year. :)

Jessica Sanchez was robbed?  She just needs a new face.  

The Lord of the Cancer: The 3 Laser Zaps

My R-CHOP chemo was complete and i was so happy and excited to be done. But most important, I was returning back to work at the good ol VA! I was basically off from work mid January-mid June, with a couple weeks working here and there January and February. I was extremely rusty with work but just like riding a bike, eventually you'll get it. The great thing about working in the medical field is work does not skip a beat if you are on leave. So while I was getting chemo, I worried for a couple days how work was but then realized just like life, it must go on. So honestly, I definitely did not think about the stresses of my job. It's not like I really stress at my job, I kinda just sit back and laugh at the people who really do stress about everything. :) But it was great seeing my co-workers and my patients again. One of my patients even told me he had a running bet with another patient if I was to die or not. (I could put that in my blog right? No names = not breaking HIPAA regulations haha!) I definitely missed work and was glad to be back.

Way too much free time at work....

My next step in my treatment course was to have radiation. As with any unknown territory, I was extremely nervous about getting radiation as I heard from others who went through it that it was very painful. "It's like a bad sunburn. Your skin is going to peel. It's gonna hurt like hell." So I thought to myself, "Great, is there anything that I'm gonna go through that isn't painful? Why can't they have medicinal marijuana for cancer patients in Illinois? I sure would love to feel 19 again. Oh well."

My radiation oncologist was Dr. Bahman Emami. I looked him up before meeting him and found out this guy was consistently considered one of chicago's top docs. Cool! This dude is gonna cure me! Radiation was starting to sound easier and easier as the days were counting down to my consultation. The end of July 2011 I had my consultation with Dr. Emami, and in walks this oompa loompa looking guy. Lidia and I look at each other and I just shrugged it off. But the moment Dr. Emami started talking, he had this weird, introverted, I haven't been out of my house since the cold war type of humor. He was nice and friendly but definitely a very odd fellow. He talked about my treatment plan and that I would need radiation 5 days a week for 4 weeks. I was like holy crap, I just got back to work, how am I gonna manage this? He reassured me radiation was very quick and I would need to come back the next day to start the prep phase as I was to begin radiation the following Monday. I came back the next day, and the radiation tech made a mold of my torso as I would get radiation only in my chest. The way radiation works, it's basically a highly concentrated X-ray. You know how you have those water hoses and at the end of the nozzle you can turn it to make it spray or shoot out. With my understanding that was very similar to how the radiation rays would hit my body. I needed tattoos marked on my body so the techs would know each time where the machine would have to point. Before the lady tatted me up, I asked her if she specialized in any Chinese or Japanese artwork and if she could tat my daughters name on my arm or chest. She laughed and said that it was just gonna be a simple tiny dot on my sternum and on my sides. I was bummed because those were my first 3 tattoos. :( So those that know me REALLY well, I'm the biggest pussy in the world. As I got my first dot tatted on me, I jumped and yelled out. The radiation tech chick looked at me and said, "Oh...." Yeah my reputation was already ruined.

My Last day of radiation 8/30/2011

Monday-Friday throughout the month of August 2011 at around 3:30pm I would come into Loyola radiation oncology outpatient center for radiation. I would be done at 3:40pm....I know right? 8 minutes of changing and 2 minutes of radiation. I would lay down on my body mold and the radiation techs would align the machine with my tats,(I had to constantly correct my iPad because it only recognized tits not tats.) and ZAP ZAP ZAP! I was done! The best part was, I wasn't sick, I didn't feel pain and I was getting stronger everyday. It came to the point that I was getting so strong that after radiation, I was able to go to the OPRF track daily and start jogging. While I was on chemo, my onco doc put me on steroids so I blew up like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. So I needed to work off all that extra bloat as my wedding was coming up. It was also really nice to get out and start walking and jogging to clear all the stress that was building up the past 6 months with everything that was going on dealing with having cancer, feeling horrible that I wasn't able to take care of Daniela, and that Lidia and I were getting married in September.

Chillin at the taste!

Finally I thought to myself, the worst is over...my fight has concluded. My life can FINALLY continue after a major giant roadblock was set in our way. I cherished every moment I had with my family, and had a great summer. The days I felt strong, Dani and I would go driving around, I would walk her in her stroller, take her to the mall as much as I could. I would walk past the Disney store and cover her eyes so she wouldn't see what we were passing. The 2 of us also went to the taste one day and I was afraid I wasn't able to make it because I was afraid to be in giant crowds.(after going through treatments, and your blood counts drop, someone sneezing or coughing will freak the living crap out of you.) But going to the taste was a great experience for Daniela and I. While chomping down on a turkey leg, a group of ladies were next to me and one approached me and looked at me up and down. I thought she was gonna say something about my cancer because I was completely bald at that time but she looked at Daniela and started smiling. Now if some big black lady stares at you while you're eating a BBQ turkey leg you're gonna assume she's hungry right? But no, she comes up to me and goes, "oooooooo yo girl is sooo beautiful! What kind is she?" I didn't know how to respond because if I was to answer her correctly, she would get insulted if I said human. But I followed up, "I'm Filipino and my fiancee is Mexican." "Mmmmmmm-mmmmmm, beautiful..." was what she responded as she walked away. I had to get away because I really was convinced she was hungry and gonna turn Daniela into a giant lumpia and/or burrito.

Sorry bout the complete subject change but I'll always hold that memory dear to me, even though it was before radiation, that's when I started feeling my life was back to normal. That's all I wanted while going through cancer. My life to return to what it was in 2010. Now that I was finished, my onco doc told me I finally had a break and my next PET Scan was in October. I didn't care about it, it was now September 2011 and I was to marry the love of my life.....

The Lord of the Cancer: The Fellowship of lymphoma

So I kinda named my whole trial with my disease after the Lord of the rings because honestly it totally reminds me of that movie series.  I remember when the fellowship of the rings came out and I was like, "This is one long ass freakin movie!  Frodo's not in Mordor yet and it's already hitting the 3 hour mark!!"  That's when I realized it was a trilogy.   That's how I can best describe this bullshit I'm going through, because it's long as hell, and it feels like there's no end in sight.

As I lay in the hospital bed listening to the oncology service team headed by Dr. Michaelis, explain to me what Diffuse large b-cell non-hodgkin's lymphoma is, the only thing going in my head was, "Damn, I have mother fucking cancer.  What the hell happened to me?"  I had so many unanswered questions,  "Was I going to die?  How much is my life insurance?  Fuucck, why didn't I increase it to the max when I was going through orientation 3 years ago??!!  Hmmm...Oh well, Lidia and Daniela are gonna be so rich when I die.  Shit...She's gonna find and marry a Puerto Rican like Miguel Cotto!  He's a lot better looking than my fat cancerous ass.  Wait a minute!  This asshole's gonna take all my money!!  If he does, I'm gonna haunt the living crap out of him."  These were the few of many questions/statements racing in my head as I found out my diagnosis.

First PET scan taken in February 2011.  Anything dark colored is highly metabolic.  Cancer is highly metabolic.  The dark spot on top is my brain and the dark spot on the bottom is my bladder, don't mind those.  But look at the whole shebang!

Basically, Non-hodgkin's lymphoma is recently of the past 10 years one of the most common cancers out there.  Unfortunately there's a bunch of subtypes of NHL.  Mine was Diffuse large B-cell meaning it only affected the B-cell lymphocytes.  For those not familiar with the body systems, B-cells and T-cells are part of your immune system that fight off infections and viruses.  Maybe when I'm feeling better I can get more in depth on how exactly b cell lymphoma attacks your body.  Nah, I'm just lazy right now. :)  So anyways, when I had my CT and PET scans, i had multiple tumors all over my body.  I had one in my throat, a HUGE ass 10x17cm tumor in my chest cavity, and 2 tumors on my adrenal glands.  To also include, I had pleural effusion in both lungs meaning the outer layer of the lungs had fluid in it, and pericardial effusion, the same goes for the heart.  I was to immediately start R-CHOP chemotherapy.  R-CHOP stood for Rituxan, Cytoxan, Vincristine, Doxorubicin (my favorite because it's called the red death), and Prednisone.  Have no idea where the H and O come from but I guess R-CHOP sounds better than R-CVDP.

I honestly had NOOOO idea what to expect.  You never really pay too much attention to cancer unless you have it or personally know someone very close who's fought it.  I've had some family friends go through it but seeing how they recover, I thought it wasn't so bad at first.  I thought to myself, "Hmmm, this isn't so bad, I don't feel that sick."  Who was I kidding, this stuff was like gang rape in prison led by your prison roommate Leroy.  What people usually don't see is the struggle they go through after chemo.  Especially after the neulasta/neupogen shots to increase white blood cell production.  How I see it is at the cancer center, you see us sitting in those nice chairs hooked up to IV bags of chemo, and a couple hours later we walk out like everything's all good.  Then after a few more hours when the stuff is really in your system, Boom!  You get hit hard with a truck.  You feel like shit,  I don't know how to describe it but it's a very yucky feeling, my face was like rubber, I'd try to smile but it looks like I just had a stroke.  I was very fortunate to not have the nausea, vomiting, and not a lot of diarrhea.  But boy did I have the rest of the symptoms.  Especially from the Vincristine.  That drug gives off Peripheral Neuropathy, which is absolute complete numbness of your hands and feet.  I begged my oncologist to take it off but he looked at me like I was high on coke as he explained to me the importance of combo chemo drugs.  But the feeling of my hands and feet gone drove me crazy.  To make it worse, the numbness lasts....for months even years...and as I type this I have to delete a lot of things or else my blog would look like this.  I haveeer cancerr.  Gets annoying after awhile.  It also sounds like what Carlos Mencia makes fun of all the time.  Which I don't want to offend anyone cuz I think I may have upset someone in the past who put a curse on me.  So whoever it was....I forgive you and I'm sorry......but please lift this damn curse off me!!!! ;)  

PET scan in June 2011...Looked pretty good!

Anyways, back to after chemo, I try to keep my struggle to myself.  I don't want people seeing me have difficulty moving around, because they would automatically feel sorry for me.  I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me because I knew if I kept going and trucking, I was gonna beat this(foreshadowing.)  But there were times I would be really weak and some people would see me break down.  Especially Lidia, and it hurt me so much to have her witness me break down and show her I cant do this because I know how much she's been having to deal with everything and everyone knowing she JUST had a baby.  To deal with all the fatigue, weakness, and pain, I'd just lie down and sleep.  All the physical therapists and MDs keep telling me to move around, exercise, it'll make the pain go down, I say hell no, I'm just gonna go to sleep.  You tell me how it's like to have pain on your ass, hips, and legs at the same time.  This would honestly last for one week.  My first cycle was all done in the hospital, because I had to get my PICC line inserted, then they had to monitor me for a couple days.  But the other cycles were done out-patient and done in  just one day.  The cycles were every 21 days.  After the 2nd cycle, I felt a lot of relief from my chest and throat, and I thought I was cured by the 3rd round.  But I had to complete 6 cycles of chemo.  So I went from March to June 2011 without working while going through the intense chemo regime.  It was a long long process  and I had another PET to see where I was after chemo.  Low and behold, all the tumors were gone, my neck, the adrenals, and the just a small small smidge left in my chest.  So what was next?  I needed radiation.  I felt like the finish line was in reach...I had HOPE.......  

For those dealing with cancer or taking care of someone with cancer, I have some advice...It's not happy good advice.  It's real advice from someone that's gone through the gauntlet a little too much.  Hope is a double edged sword...just like our freaking Bulls...If I think I'm cursed with cancer, the whole city of chicago sports is cursed.  Damn Rose, Noah, Cutler, Cubs you blow...Why do I keep going off topic?  I must be tired...Anyways, a lot of people have been texting me about advice for someone they know that has what I have or another form of cancer.  And there's a lot of you, and I saw thank you for letting me into your private lives and helping you with the healing process, but my main advice is, hope is both a good and bad thing.  Don't hope so much that this will be a quick cure.  Everyone is different, some people go through a couple cycles and are good.  Some take years, some like me get the whole freaking kitchen sink thrown at them.  But it is all a struggle, struggle to survive, struggle to live a normal life.  Most of the time, the person going through it will not let you know how much they are struggling.  Dealing with someone who has cancer is an art form.  When to back off, when to listen, when to help, when to become emotional.  Its hard to juggle all of that and having someone you care for be really sick.  It's difficult for the person going through it all having a massive influx of people concerned can also be really overwhelming at first.  But then again, some people will take it differently, I'm completely basing all this on my own experiences.  This is weird talking about all this stuff that's already happened to me in the past year.  It's like an episode of Lost, when they fuse past, present, and future into one episode.  It's like me writing all this, I'm trying to write about the past, but get stuck in the present and will write about the future...seriously there needs to be a movie about my life.  If this was LOTR, right now, this would be the end of the fellowship.  And I think that's all I can write for now.  Thanks for taking time to read this and understand just a small part of what I and others have to go through.      

Me after the biopsy 2/2011.  Always trying to stay positive when the world is crashing down.